Etiquette question and kind of a rant...

M

mariadnoca

Moderator
I sent out an Evite today to help out a friend with her husband's birthday party (the one where I was asking about the chocolate cake). I shared: Main Dish/Desserts/Drinks will be provided but if you'd like to bring something additional it would be welcome but entirely optional and to please put what you are bringing in your RSVP reply to avoid duplicates.

Well since the count got bigger we opted I make a brownie trifle (mine serves 20+ well). As the organizer I listed it as the alternate dessert we are providing besides the BD cake.

Someone replied they are bringing this massive brownie/ice cream wow type dessert. I am I wrong for being a bit miffed? Because with this I don't even need to make mine, and the trife won't keep, so feel like it's a huge waste of time/money if she shows up with this (along with a leg of lamb and other yummy things too, honestly she sounds like a fab cook). I can't not make it since it is the offical dessert, but it has taken all the fun out of it for me.

How would you feel? Is it just me?

 
Let's see... since the birthday cake is really the 'official' dessert, why can't you just opt out

on making the trifle? Or bring something else? Are you making the birthday cake? That is completely different from the brownie/ice cream thing, so won't be a duplicate.

 
Is it possible she was responding to the earlier version of the evite, without your trifle?

If not, I might feel upstaged too in your position.

Sometimes "fab cooks" don't entertain much and go overboard when someone else provides the opportunity to cook for a crowd. Bringing a leg of lamb as a side dish might be a case in point, lol.

If I were you I would give her the benefit of the doubt, thank her in advance and confirm that her brownie thing is enough for the crowd. Then I would skip the trifle. All the other things you promised will be exquisite, and you will be proud of your contribution without competing with this other self-appointed contributor.

 
The point was not to duplicate which is why you asked for the dessert to

be put on the RSVP. This person has discounted or didn't understand the instructions by choosing her dessert. However, if I were you I would rant here, imagine all the things you would like to tell this person then be a lady and be gracious.
If possible I would LOVE your recipe for brownie trifle as trifles have become my dessert of choice as of late.

 
I'm going to see if I can opt out of this...

I typed a whole reply and then IE crashed - $%*) I hate it when that happens...

FYI, the orignal Evite I sent did state in additon to the BD cake I'd bring the optional dessert we are providing...blah,blah,blah...the Trifle. Maybe instead of *assuming* the statement of xyz is provided meant, feel free to bring other items but not these; I should've said Xyz is provided so if you'd like to bring a side dish, salad, or appetizer feel free. Because...

Update: someone else has now RSVPed that they will be bringing...guess what...

The birthday cake. (Seriously, did they think we weren't going to provide that? I mean discounting we'd actually stated it, does anyone think anyone, anywhere where cake is traditional, throws a BD party and does not provide the cake?!)

However, I think this resolves most of the problem. Now I don't have to worry there will not be enough dessert. I now plan to make nothing - if my GF and her 20something daughters planning this agree. Because I've already spent $$$ for good chocolate and such (which I can't eat) so I'm not going to go buy groceries again. Plus I don't want to spend time making food I know 99% of I'll have to toss out.

However, there was an additional reason we'd planned I make a homemade dessert --we have 3 guests (children) with extreme allergy to nuts, they are the type where even if the flour was milled anywhere near nuts it's go to the hospital time. I'd wanted to ensure they could eat dessert, but I actually know the Mom so will contact to explain about the best laid plans and all that. Sigh.

Suz, my brownie trifle could feed an army. I use a big straight sided glass salad bowl and start with Outragous Brownies with extra chocolate chunks added (and we know that makes a lot) then layer it with chocolate mousse (below) and whipped cream till I fill it to the brim. Then top with shaved chocolate and serve with caramel & chocolate sauces on the side. It's quite rich - I pretty much stick to either Scharffen Berger and/or Valrhona chocolate for everything.

Mousse
12 ounces semisweet chocolate, finely chopped
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Pinch of salt
3 cups chilled whipping cream
1/4 cup sugar

Combine chocolate, vanilla and salt in processor. Bring 1 cup cream to boil in heavy small saucepan. With processor running, gradually pour hot cream through feed tube and process until chocolate is melted and smooth. Transfer mixture to large bowl. Cool to room temperature, stirring occasionally.

Beat 2 cups cream and sugar in large bowl to stiff peaks. Fold into chocolate mixture. Chill until set, about 6 hours. (Can be prepared 1 day ahead.)

 
It's amazing what you have to spell out for people. I'd consider it

a coup to get an rsvp period these days. smileys/frown.gif
Glad you're opting out, I think it will be the least aggravating thing for you!
Let's see what everyone actually BRINGS to the party. Good luck!

 
It is sad how people with good intentions have no idea how to be considerate of others.

I think we can all agree that none of this foolishness is intended to hurt anyone. There's no malice involved.

My opinion is that it is a symptom of a general lack of "other-orientedness" in our culture today. People were not raised to consider the feelings of others. No empathy at all.

I agree with Suz as well. No malice was intended, so you have to vent, and then swallow hard and SMILE!

People, people, people... What else can you say?

Michael

 
Here's my RSVP - I'md be leaning toward a very polite e-mail simply pointing out that

the dessert and birthday cake are covered. Their faux pas of not noticing this info can be blamed on the poorly designed Evite format. smileys/wink.gif

This happened once to a friend of mine - someone RSVPd to her invitation to a mutual friend's surprise party that they'd bring the birthday cake. She just replied right on the Evite page for them to please not be so silly - of course she had the cake covered, but she'd love it if they brought their famous xyz dish...

 
I think it if was me, I'd call her and ask if SHE really wants to put all that effort

into making something so close to mine. If she says yes, 'guess you'll have two! Of course everyone knows you can't have too much chocolate, so I wouldn't let it upset me. Yours will be better, anyway!

Have fun...

 
Oops, just saw that's what you're going to do. Can you save the chocolate for another

dessert for your family, friends, some other time?

 
Update....

Today so many things have gone sideways I'm now offically calling today F'ed-up Friday. I even got a bill from a cell phone provider I haven't used in over 5 years.

I can't begin go into all the logistic and food things that changed or went up in smoke because there are too many. After the dessert snafu I sorta wanted to not make anything because 1) mainly there was plenty of food already 2) what I was being asked to bring kept changing in the past 24 hrs because planning was all being done by committee -- and they were requesting dishes to go with a main dish that nobody was sure was/wasn't going to be made. 3) I still have pneumonia so I don't have it in me to run all over the place.

So today I got on the phone with my GF; talked her down and got a plan to simplify everything. I took several items that got dumped on her off her list and am now just making some appetizers.

Chocolate can go in the pantry, maybe I'll use it at Easter.

Thanks for all your support -- as always, you guys rock!

 
Proving yet again what I see constantly....NO ONE READS anymore - at least no more than they have to

Everyone texts, emails, a quick couple of words here and there. If there were more than 3 lines in your evite, I can guarantee 80% of them never got past the date and time.... {{{sigh}}} too sad

 
You can send me the chocolate........ Seriously, Pot Luck is always a disaster waitning to happen

Or a miracle.

You can't control it. You either go totally potluck and count on, well, luck. Or you plan your own menu and ask the guests to bring drinks. Drinks don't tend to be as perishable as food.

Maria, you doing appetizers sounds like the perfect solution. Isn't it awful to cook for a moving target?

 
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