(Judge #3 is Frank, an American who was asked to step in at the last minute. He knew nothing about curry, but liked the free beer that went with it.)
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy peppers, what the he!! is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call 911!! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Barmaid pounded me so hard on the back that my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I may be getting drunk from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOOS BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY
Judge # 1 - Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my bleeding tongue by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. I think I scared the other judges because they’ve asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. Can't feel my lips anymore.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY
Judge # 1 - A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it’s too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOOS TOENAIL CURLING CURRY
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. It is regretful that most of this delicious curry was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 (no comment from the small, glowing puddle.)
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy peppers, what the he!! is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call 911!! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Barmaid pounded me so hard on the back that my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I may be getting drunk from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOOS BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY
Judge # 1 - Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my bleeding tongue by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. I think I scared the other judges because they’ve asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. Can't feel my lips anymore.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY
Judge # 1 - A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it’s too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOOS TOENAIL CURLING CURRY
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. It is regretful that most of this delicious curry was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 (no comment from the small, glowing puddle.)