SUMMARY OF CLINICAL HISTORY:
The patient (hereafter known as Tom Turkey) was a free-range turkey with no obvious significant medical history. Upon arrival, the patient was non-responsive, wrapped and bound in plastic cuff restraints. The attending doctor was unable to perform mouth-to-beak resuscitation as there was, unfortunately no head and therefore no beak. Id est quid est.
DESCRIPTION OF GROSS LESIONS:
EXTERNAL EXAMINATION: The body was that of a 6-month old well-nourished (11.66 pound/5.289 Kilograms) turkey of indeterminate sex. The patient had no major surgical scars other than the aforementioned decapitation and decapi-feeta. As expected with a patient greater than 48 hours post mortem, no pulse was detected.
INTERNAL EXAMINATION (BODY CAVITIES): The frontal cavity contained the patient’s former neck (ouch) while the posterior opening held a 10-ounce bonus package with heart, liver, kidney and gizzard. It is possible that the location and content of this package may have directly attributed to the patient’s demise.
GASTROINTESTINAL SYSTEM: Oddly…none.
EXTREMITIES: Both legs and thighs were measured and found to be similar in circumference while the breast area was fully developed, leading to the speculation that the patient was female. Or…maybe not.
CLINICOPATHOLOGIC CORRELATION
It is the opinion of this doctor that the patient died shortly after losing its head.
POST POST-MORTEM ANALYSIS: At 10:30 A.M on the morning of November 22, 2012, the patient was coated with a 2:1 rub of kosher salt to sugar (Note to self: check patient’s religious affiliation). The rub contained a high concentration of Norwood’s seasoning & paprika and 50% gross quantity was applied after which the patient was set aside for 60 minutes. The oven was preheated to 425° Fahrenheit and the (new) digital probe thermometer was checked for accuracy in boiling water (210°F).
At 11:30 A.M a soft-bristle brush was used to remove the excess salt from the patient, viscerally reminding the attending physician of that amazing salt-scrub at Laguna spa on the coast of…oops. The patient was then wiped down with an H2O solution to remove excess saline and blotted dry. The epidermal was lifted and a compound mixture of butter, sage, rosemary & thyme was subcutaneously injected in situ. The patient was then unceremoniously lifted by his feet-less legs and lemon juice & seasoning were added to his body cavity. Fortunately, the patient was already dead by this time because rubbing salt and lemon into an open wound is just plain mean! The final “coup de grâce” involved trussing up the patient fore and aft (invoking fond memories of Bettie Page) and inserting a digital metal probe into the thigh while angling away from the femur.
At 11:50 A.M, the patient was laid on a bed of fresh herbs, garlic and onion in a covered 11x15” Graniteware roaster, the oven temperature was reduced to 325° degrees and the patient was left—for lack of a better phrase—to stew in its own juices.
At this point the attending physician re-read the instructions and noticed the timing was based on a “STUFFED” 15-pound turkey (insert foul word here). Considering the 4-hour roasting period had already been adjusted due to the smaller size of the patient, this threw a haemostatic Pennington clamp into the mix. However the Physician felt secure under the protective umbrella of digital technology and Chinese imports. The alarm was set for 165° degree F and had registered 116°, oh wait...it's already 119°...what the ...?
What's "LL"????
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/004-1.jpg
At this point the attending physical REREAD the entire instruction document from the Piece O’Crap Taylor Wireless Thermometer with Remote Pager + Timer and found not a single reference to LL (insert five-letter word here).
The now-panicked doctor ran back to the kitchen, pulled the batteries to manually force a restart and checked the digital display again. Oh look, it’s…"LL"! The physician reprogrammed the software control panel for the FOURTH time in an effort to make the hardware work but failed. Said physician rushed back to the computer and did an Internet search on “Taylor wireless thermometer LL” and got…nothing (insert 6-letter word here). However, reviews on other Taylor digital thermometers mention the display getting stuck on “HI”. Apparently, the physician’s thermometer can’t be polite and at least display a greeting. Nooo, the physician’s was flashing "LL"--the digital equivalent of LOSER! LOSER!
The bird was literally flipping me the bird.
The frustrated medical examiner pulled out a SECOND thermometer—the NON-SOFTWARE version—and stabbed it into Tom Turkey's thigh muscle. Hey! He's dead! He's not going to care.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/DuelingTaylors.jpg
With nothing but bad experiences to go on, the physician made the call at 70 minutes to uncover the turkey. At 1:00 P.M, the turkey epidermis was pale and non-responsive. Continuing to monitor the situation, the turkey reached an internal temperature of 168° degrees in a mere 2.5 hours while the digital display continued to mock with "LL". The roasted turkey was removed from the oven, lifted from the pan and loosely covered with foil.
EXTERNAL EXAMINATION:
The skin in the breast area was slightly overdone while the bottom half of Mr. T resembled a man wearing shorts for the first time that summer: pale, puckered skin that should have—for the sake of all—remained covered. The ME believes this problem can be resolved by transferring the patient to a cookie tray for the second uncovered roasting phase for full exposure.
While the meat was unfortunately cold by the time the meal was served one hour later, the flavor was outstanding, the light and dark portions remained moist and the drippings were delicious.
SUMMARY AND REFLECTION:
A winner. Other than, you know, for Mr. Tom.
The patient (hereafter known as Tom Turkey) was a free-range turkey with no obvious significant medical history. Upon arrival, the patient was non-responsive, wrapped and bound in plastic cuff restraints. The attending doctor was unable to perform mouth-to-beak resuscitation as there was, unfortunately no head and therefore no beak. Id est quid est.
DESCRIPTION OF GROSS LESIONS:
EXTERNAL EXAMINATION: The body was that of a 6-month old well-nourished (11.66 pound/5.289 Kilograms) turkey of indeterminate sex. The patient had no major surgical scars other than the aforementioned decapitation and decapi-feeta. As expected with a patient greater than 48 hours post mortem, no pulse was detected.
INTERNAL EXAMINATION (BODY CAVITIES): The frontal cavity contained the patient’s former neck (ouch) while the posterior opening held a 10-ounce bonus package with heart, liver, kidney and gizzard. It is possible that the location and content of this package may have directly attributed to the patient’s demise.
GASTROINTESTINAL SYSTEM: Oddly…none.
EXTREMITIES: Both legs and thighs were measured and found to be similar in circumference while the breast area was fully developed, leading to the speculation that the patient was female. Or…maybe not.
CLINICOPATHOLOGIC CORRELATION
It is the opinion of this doctor that the patient died shortly after losing its head.
POST POST-MORTEM ANALYSIS: At 10:30 A.M on the morning of November 22, 2012, the patient was coated with a 2:1 rub of kosher salt to sugar (Note to self: check patient’s religious affiliation). The rub contained a high concentration of Norwood’s seasoning & paprika and 50% gross quantity was applied after which the patient was set aside for 60 minutes. The oven was preheated to 425° Fahrenheit and the (new) digital probe thermometer was checked for accuracy in boiling water (210°F).
At 11:30 A.M a soft-bristle brush was used to remove the excess salt from the patient, viscerally reminding the attending physician of that amazing salt-scrub at Laguna spa on the coast of…oops. The patient was then wiped down with an H2O solution to remove excess saline and blotted dry. The epidermal was lifted and a compound mixture of butter, sage, rosemary & thyme was subcutaneously injected in situ. The patient was then unceremoniously lifted by his feet-less legs and lemon juice & seasoning were added to his body cavity. Fortunately, the patient was already dead by this time because rubbing salt and lemon into an open wound is just plain mean! The final “coup de grâce” involved trussing up the patient fore and aft (invoking fond memories of Bettie Page) and inserting a digital metal probe into the thigh while angling away from the femur.
At 11:50 A.M, the patient was laid on a bed of fresh herbs, garlic and onion in a covered 11x15” Graniteware roaster, the oven temperature was reduced to 325° degrees and the patient was left—for lack of a better phrase—to stew in its own juices.
At this point the attending physician re-read the instructions and noticed the timing was based on a “STUFFED” 15-pound turkey (insert foul word here). Considering the 4-hour roasting period had already been adjusted due to the smaller size of the patient, this threw a haemostatic Pennington clamp into the mix. However the Physician felt secure under the protective umbrella of digital technology and Chinese imports. The alarm was set for 165° degree F and had registered 116°, oh wait...it's already 119°...what the ...?
What's "LL"????
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/004-1.jpg
At this point the attending physical REREAD the entire instruction document from the Piece O’Crap Taylor Wireless Thermometer with Remote Pager + Timer and found not a single reference to LL (insert five-letter word here).
The now-panicked doctor ran back to the kitchen, pulled the batteries to manually force a restart and checked the digital display again. Oh look, it’s…"LL"! The physician reprogrammed the software control panel for the FOURTH time in an effort to make the hardware work but failed. Said physician rushed back to the computer and did an Internet search on “Taylor wireless thermometer LL” and got…nothing (insert 6-letter word here). However, reviews on other Taylor digital thermometers mention the display getting stuck on “HI”. Apparently, the physician’s thermometer can’t be polite and at least display a greeting. Nooo, the physician’s was flashing "LL"--the digital equivalent of LOSER! LOSER!
The bird was literally flipping me the bird.
The frustrated medical examiner pulled out a SECOND thermometer—the NON-SOFTWARE version—and stabbed it into Tom Turkey's thigh muscle. Hey! He's dead! He's not going to care.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/DuelingTaylors.jpg
With nothing but bad experiences to go on, the physician made the call at 70 minutes to uncover the turkey. At 1:00 P.M, the turkey epidermis was pale and non-responsive. Continuing to monitor the situation, the turkey reached an internal temperature of 168° degrees in a mere 2.5 hours while the digital display continued to mock with "LL". The roasted turkey was removed from the oven, lifted from the pan and loosely covered with foil.
EXTERNAL EXAMINATION:
The skin in the breast area was slightly overdone while the bottom half of Mr. T resembled a man wearing shorts for the first time that summer: pale, puckered skin that should have—for the sake of all—remained covered. The ME believes this problem can be resolved by transferring the patient to a cookie tray for the second uncovered roasting phase for full exposure.
While the meat was unfortunately cold by the time the meal was served one hour later, the flavor was outstanding, the light and dark portions remained moist and the drippings were delicious.
SUMMARY AND REFLECTION:
A winner. Other than, you know, for Mr. Tom.