melissa-dallas
Well-known member
My mom sent me this and I laughed all morning:
> Subject: Jasper the dog
>>
>>
>>
>> This is hilarious!
>>
>> Those of you who have/had animals will probably appreciate it more. It
>> is a story that is hilarious in itself and the person that wrote it is
a
>> good writer and made the story even better. Enjoy...
>>
>> We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the
>> summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who
>> are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year
>> old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best
>> to be a good parent.
>>
>> Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only
>> sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as
he
>> can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.
>>
>> Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should
tell you
>> that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including
>> locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost
>> over $200. But I digress.
>>
>> Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the
>> project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out
>> of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends
>> that I like more than family most of the time.
>>
>> I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls
>> for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.
>>
>> I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up
so
>> quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked,
>> thus the assignment.
>>
>> I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am.
>> Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not
>> wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put th e rolls
>> on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours.
>> Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The
>> rolls were ready to go in the oven.
>>
>> It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans,
>> much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to
>> Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled
>> over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and
>> the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I
>> swear even his cheeks were bloated.
>>
>> I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of
>> uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however,
I
>> needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.
>>
>> God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than
>> my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the tim e we
>> went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had
>> to lift him onto the bed for the night.
>>
>> We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to
>> relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first
>> leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of
>> the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and
>> the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in
>> another direction.
>>
>> He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at
the
>> same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he
>> couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.
>>
>> His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured
>> another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12
>> hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and
>> that he was indeed drunk.
>>
>> He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it
>> would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto
>> Bismol.
>>
>> Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up
>> and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving
meal
>> of the day.
>>
>> My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive).
>> Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning
>> from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we
>> took off.
>>
>> Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe
me
>> when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS
>> WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched
>> or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's
not
>> the worst of it.
>>
>> Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God
>> strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the
>> entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away
than
>> she did.
>>
>> Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door
>> locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the
>> day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone
>> made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with
a
>> tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something
.
>> Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out'
and Jasper
>> was no exception.
>>
>> Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls,
>> you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a
>> dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I
>> discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's
>> house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we
loaded
>> him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.
>>
>> This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from
>> the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood
>> the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set
up
>> and cure.
>>
>> We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else
>> was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with
>> a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this
>> wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked
>> through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had
>> to be brushed too.
>>
>> Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home
>> and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at
>> Perry's sister's house.
>>
>> I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal
>> both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer
>> tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume.
>>
>> I am als o happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen
>> unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must
>> have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of
>> them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on
the
>> computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.
>>
>>
>>
>> And how was your day?
>>
> Subject: Jasper the dog
>>
>>
>>
>> This is hilarious!
>>
>> Those of you who have/had animals will probably appreciate it more. It
>> is a story that is hilarious in itself and the person that wrote it is
a
>> good writer and made the story even better. Enjoy...
>>
>> We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the
>> summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who
>> are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year
>> old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best
>> to be a good parent.
>>
>> Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only
>> sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as
he
>> can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.
>>
>> Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should
tell you
>> that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including
>> locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost
>> over $200. But I digress.
>>
>> Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the
>> project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out
>> of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends
>> that I like more than family most of the time.
>>
>> I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls
>> for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.
>>
>> I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up
so
>> quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked,
>> thus the assignment.
>>
>> I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am.
>> Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not
>> wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put th e rolls
>> on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours.
>> Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The
>> rolls were ready to go in the oven.
>>
>> It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans,
>> much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to
>> Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled
>> over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and
>> the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I
>> swear even his cheeks were bloated.
>>
>> I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of
>> uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however,
I
>> needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.
>>
>> God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than
>> my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the tim e we
>> went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had
>> to lift him onto the bed for the night.
>>
>> We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to
>> relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first
>> leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of
>> the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and
>> the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in
>> another direction.
>>
>> He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at
the
>> same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he
>> couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.
>>
>> His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured
>> another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12
>> hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and
>> that he was indeed drunk.
>>
>> He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it
>> would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto
>> Bismol.
>>
>> Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up
>> and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving
meal
>> of the day.
>>
>> My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive).
>> Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning
>> from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we
>> took off.
>>
>> Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe
me
>> when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS
>> WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched
>> or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's
not
>> the worst of it.
>>
>> Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God
>> strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the
>> entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away
than
>> she did.
>>
>> Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door
>> locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the
>> day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone
>> made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with
a
>> tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something
.
>> Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out'
and Jasper
>> was no exception.
>>
>> Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls,
>> you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a
>> dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I
>> discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's
>> house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we
loaded
>> him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.
>>
>> This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from
>> the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood
>> the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set
up
>> and cure.
>>
>> We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else
>> was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with
>> a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this
>> wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked
>> through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had
>> to be brushed too.
>>
>> Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home
>> and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at
>> Perry's sister's house.
>>
>> I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal
>> both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer
>> tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume.
>>
>> I am als o happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen
>> unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must
>> have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of
>> them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on
the
>> computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.
>>
>>
>>
>> And how was your day?
>>