On Tuesday I was asked to bake a cake for a coworker transferring to Texas. Liz is a sweet young engineer and I agreed to whip something up.
To get you in the mood, here are some fun facts about The Lone Star State:
1. Texas is the 2nd largest state in the USA, but only if you count them damn Alaskan Yankees.
2. Its flower is the Bluebonnet.
3. The Texas State Large Mammal is the Longhorn Steer, the Texas State Flying Mammal is Mexican Free-tailed bat,
and last, but not least, the Texas State Small Mammal is the Nine-banded Armadillo.
Apparently, Texans are not satisfied with having a single state animal. They have three.
For those of you who haven't seen one, this is a live Nine-banded Armadillo: Sadly, this will be the last time you see anything remotely resembling a live nine-banded armadillo.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/Armadillo.jpg~original
It can do tricks:
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/CuteArma.jpg~original
Unfortunately (for the armadillo) this is how we typically see them:
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/DeadArma.jpg~original
..which brings me to my coworker Luc, who requested a Red Velvet cake carved into the shape of an Armadillo...
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/ArmaCake.jpg~original
...mainly so that when you cut into it, you have Road Kill Cake:
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/RoadKillCake.jpg~original
This gives you a snapshot of Luc's sense of humor.
However, I have a modicum of culinary ethics and drew the (white-painted) line at Road Kill Cake.
I also rejected their second suggestion, which played on Liz's pets: Cat Litter Cake
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/CatLitterCake.jpg~original
That said, I still thought the Armadillo idea was cute; just not the road kill version..
I found a method online where I could mold the body out of Rice Krispy treats, coat that with melted candy chocolate,
then cover the whole thing with fondant.
Ha! A piece of cake! (sad, pitiful pun reflecting the Last Official Moment of Joy in this endeavor.)
The concept looked easy enough. Lord Knows that thought alone should have been enough to warn me of the coming holocaust.
Hubris. That’s what I had. Look it up.
I went shopping for cake ingredients and Rice Krispy Treats stuff as I've never made this particular dessert, mainly because the thought of tasteless bits of rice coated in mushy sugar left me feeling slightly queasy. But did that stop me? Did the captain of the Titanic turn the boat around after hearing his German First Mate whisper: "Sheisse!"?
Sadly, no.
I baked the cake, I made the pastry cream filling, and then I made a double-batch of chocolate meringue icing. And then I made a double-batch of chocolate meringue icing. And then I made a double-batch of chocolate meringue icing.
(Wait. What just happened there? Was that a typo? A copy/paste error? The last sentence? It was written three times. Oh, no! Surely...not?)
That’s when it all went to H. E. Double L. Oh! in a hand-basket. Now, I’m a fairly stubborn person, but after the THIRD batch of perfect meringue icing liquified and turned into sloshy, sugary mess, I gave up and made a simple confectionary icing. Which I despise. But wait...we still had the Rice Krispy Treat Armadillo to make. Let's call him RKTA for short, shall we.
The RKT molding went fairly well. It was the carving that did me in. The entire cavity started to collapse on itself, so I decided to save that by jumping to Phase II and coating it in melted chocolate candy. I ripped open the bag and tried to pour out the quarter-size melting discs. But they wouldn't pour out of the bag. I shook the bag. I jerked on the bag. I finally ripped open the entire package. Inside was ONE SOLID MASS of "slightly melted but resolidified" chocolate. Thank You, Wilton and Walmarts. There they were, huddled together en masse like rabid shoppers at BestBuy's front door on Black Friday. I thought: "oh, what the hell", melted them {again} and coated the body. So far, so not so bad. But then I tried adding legs to RKTA. The body mass of all that candy and treat was just too much and suddenly the legs were poking up through the top of the body! Then I tried attaching the head with chocolate, but it kept falling off.
So the end result is this: after two evenings of shopping, baking, 3 failed icings, wasting 18 eggs, a pound of Callebaut and a pound of butter, after sculpting and molding and lots of swearing, even I gave up in utter frustration.
Because this is what happens when you shove sticks up the body of a 9” Rice Krispy Treat armadillo: The Laws of Gravity take over.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/GravityArmadillo.jpg~original
Remember this?
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/RealArma.jpg~original
Does that look like this?
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/GravityArmadillo.jpg~original
Ya. Not so much:
(Future CSI pathologists: note the evidence of fingermarks pressed into fondant and left behind as the frustrated baker repeatedly crushed RKTA's skull into shape.)
Defeated by Gravity and a kitchen that looked like Ground Zero, I finally conceded, brought in the plain old cake and presented it to Liz along with this:
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/Carcass.jpg~original
I like to think of it as the alien carcass of a mutant cicada, molded from Rice Krispy Treats, coated in melted milk chocolate, blanketed in fondant (count the NINE BANDS, damn it) and then spray painted with edible gray/silver paint.
Because...why not?
This...thing could also be described as a lump of fat & sugar, coated in fat & sugar, wrapped in fat & sugar and spray-painted with liquid sugar dyed with Rows 2 & 3 of the Periodic Table.
Yum. (By the way, the cicada carcass was devoured by a bunch of software engineers, proving once again that they will eat anything not nailed down.)
We sent Liz off with BEST WISHES for a brand new life in Texas—where we reminded her that it’s illegal to indecently expose or swear in front of a corpse. Or to paint graffiti on a cow.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/Cowgraffi.jpg~original
To get you in the mood, here are some fun facts about The Lone Star State:
1. Texas is the 2nd largest state in the USA, but only if you count them damn Alaskan Yankees.
2. Its flower is the Bluebonnet.
3. The Texas State Large Mammal is the Longhorn Steer, the Texas State Flying Mammal is Mexican Free-tailed bat,
and last, but not least, the Texas State Small Mammal is the Nine-banded Armadillo.
Apparently, Texans are not satisfied with having a single state animal. They have three.
For those of you who haven't seen one, this is a live Nine-banded Armadillo: Sadly, this will be the last time you see anything remotely resembling a live nine-banded armadillo.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/Armadillo.jpg~original
It can do tricks:
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/CuteArma.jpg~original
Unfortunately (for the armadillo) this is how we typically see them:
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/DeadArma.jpg~original
..which brings me to my coworker Luc, who requested a Red Velvet cake carved into the shape of an Armadillo...
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/ArmaCake.jpg~original
...mainly so that when you cut into it, you have Road Kill Cake:
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/RoadKillCake.jpg~original
This gives you a snapshot of Luc's sense of humor.
However, I have a modicum of culinary ethics and drew the (white-painted) line at Road Kill Cake.
I also rejected their second suggestion, which played on Liz's pets: Cat Litter Cake
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/CatLitterCake.jpg~original
That said, I still thought the Armadillo idea was cute; just not the road kill version..
I found a method online where I could mold the body out of Rice Krispy treats, coat that with melted candy chocolate,
then cover the whole thing with fondant.
Ha! A piece of cake! (sad, pitiful pun reflecting the Last Official Moment of Joy in this endeavor.)
The concept looked easy enough. Lord Knows that thought alone should have been enough to warn me of the coming holocaust.
Hubris. That’s what I had. Look it up.
I went shopping for cake ingredients and Rice Krispy Treats stuff as I've never made this particular dessert, mainly because the thought of tasteless bits of rice coated in mushy sugar left me feeling slightly queasy. But did that stop me? Did the captain of the Titanic turn the boat around after hearing his German First Mate whisper: "Sheisse!"?
Sadly, no.
I baked the cake, I made the pastry cream filling, and then I made a double-batch of chocolate meringue icing. And then I made a double-batch of chocolate meringue icing. And then I made a double-batch of chocolate meringue icing.
(Wait. What just happened there? Was that a typo? A copy/paste error? The last sentence? It was written three times. Oh, no! Surely...not?)
That’s when it all went to H. E. Double L. Oh! in a hand-basket. Now, I’m a fairly stubborn person, but after the THIRD batch of perfect meringue icing liquified and turned into sloshy, sugary mess, I gave up and made a simple confectionary icing. Which I despise. But wait...we still had the Rice Krispy Treat Armadillo to make. Let's call him RKTA for short, shall we.
The RKT molding went fairly well. It was the carving that did me in. The entire cavity started to collapse on itself, so I decided to save that by jumping to Phase II and coating it in melted chocolate candy. I ripped open the bag and tried to pour out the quarter-size melting discs. But they wouldn't pour out of the bag. I shook the bag. I jerked on the bag. I finally ripped open the entire package. Inside was ONE SOLID MASS of "slightly melted but resolidified" chocolate. Thank You, Wilton and Walmarts. There they were, huddled together en masse like rabid shoppers at BestBuy's front door on Black Friday. I thought: "oh, what the hell", melted them {again} and coated the body. So far, so not so bad. But then I tried adding legs to RKTA. The body mass of all that candy and treat was just too much and suddenly the legs were poking up through the top of the body! Then I tried attaching the head with chocolate, but it kept falling off.
So the end result is this: after two evenings of shopping, baking, 3 failed icings, wasting 18 eggs, a pound of Callebaut and a pound of butter, after sculpting and molding and lots of swearing, even I gave up in utter frustration.
Because this is what happens when you shove sticks up the body of a 9” Rice Krispy Treat armadillo: The Laws of Gravity take over.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/GravityArmadillo.jpg~original
Remember this?
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/RealArma.jpg~original
Does that look like this?
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/GravityArmadillo.jpg~original
Ya. Not so much:
(Future CSI pathologists: note the evidence of fingermarks pressed into fondant and left behind as the frustrated baker repeatedly crushed RKTA's skull into shape.)
Defeated by Gravity and a kitchen that looked like Ground Zero, I finally conceded, brought in the plain old cake and presented it to Liz along with this:
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/Carcass.jpg~original
I like to think of it as the alien carcass of a mutant cicada, molded from Rice Krispy Treats, coated in melted milk chocolate, blanketed in fondant (count the NINE BANDS, damn it) and then spray painted with edible gray/silver paint.
Because...why not?
This...thing could also be described as a lump of fat & sugar, coated in fat & sugar, wrapped in fat & sugar and spray-painted with liquid sugar dyed with Rows 2 & 3 of the Periodic Table.
Yum. (By the way, the cicada carcass was devoured by a bunch of software engineers, proving once again that they will eat anything not nailed down.)
We sent Liz off with BEST WISHES for a brand new life in Texas—where we reminded her that it’s illegal to indecently expose or swear in front of a corpse. Or to paint graffiti on a cow.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g166/Finer_Kitchens/Armadillo%20Marilyn/Cowgraffi.jpg~original