...and the story continues
Here is the Amazon order for the exact replacement of the broken wine rack that used to hang over the sink.
This is Marilyn standing with one foot in the sink and the other on the stool as she starts to remove the first of 3” long metal screws holding the broken wine rack that used to hang over the sink.
Listen to the moan as Marilyn unscrews, unscrews, unscrews—oh, for heaven’s sake, will this never end?—NINE FRIGGING LINEAR INCHES OF THREADED METAL SCREW...and oddly enough, a single 1” wood screw. This last will come to haunt her like a "Jason versus Freddie" Blood Bath.
This is the trip to Home Depot to buy the screws to hang the replacement wine rack over the sink because the screws that came with the replacement wine rack are only 1” wood screws.
This is Marilyn in Hardware, Aisle 12 silently discussing screws with herself and—deciding to cover all bases—buys both 2” and 3” metal toggle bolt screws to hang the replacement wine rack over the sink.
Back in the kitchen, watch as Marilyn flexes the spring action of toggle bolt to ensure it is threaded in the correct direction to spring open in the ceiling and tighten against the drywall.
Observe as Marilyn congratulates herself for checking this first and then threads four toggle bolts onto the screws.
Listen in as Marilyn bitches when she realizes that the screw must FIRST be pushed through the mounting hole in the replacement wine rack BEFORE threading on the anchor bolts.
See Marilyn begin to push four anchor bolts through the existing holes in the drywall ceiling. One in. Second anchor bolt in. Yes! This is going well. Third anchor bolt...wait...it won’t go in. Push. Push some more. Shove. Really Shove. Shove while simultaneously swearing. No. No. No! Try fourth anchor bolt location. It won’t go in either. WHY? WHAT IS GOING ON? What has changed between taking one off and putting one on?
This is Marilyn getting a rubber mallet and screwdriver and attempting to ram the anchor bolt in.
This is Marilyn getting a metal awl and regular hammer and attempting to ram the anchor bolt in.
This is Marilyn getting a cramp in her leg.
This is Marilyn grabbing the 8” Wusthof chef’s knife in bitter frustration and using the handle as a battering ram.
This is Marilyn recoiling in horror as she realizes she is pointing 8” of German steel at her newly operated eyeballs while repeatedly whacking it with a rubber mallet.
This is Marilyn getting a 1/8” drill bit, electric drill and enlarging the hole for the anchor bolt.
This is Marilyn changing to a 1/4” bit and enlarging the hole for the anchor bolt.
This is Marilyn changing to a 1/2” bit and enlarging the hole for the anchor bolt.
This is Marilyn STILL whacking the anchor bolt to no avail.
This is Marilyn getting out the tin snips and cutting off 1/4 inch from each end of the anchor bolt to shorten it
This is Marilyn using a Dremel to cut off 1/2 inch from the end of the metal bolt to shorten it.
This is Marilyn swearing out loud as kinetic energy from the high RPMs of the Dremel conducts friction heat through the stainless steel right into her fingertips.
Son of a…anchor bolt!
This is Marilyn taking out her frustration on the anchor bolt to no avail.
This is Marilyn shoving her pinky finger in the two front holes and FINALLY REALIZING the dry wall has been stacked and is much thicker than a single sheet of 1/2 inch drywall.
(Oh. Shoot. THIS is why that single 1" wood screw worked in the front!)
But it is too little too late. This is Marilyn realizing she now has two HUGE 1/2 inch wide holes in the ceiling and must now find a screw not only LONG enough to extend through the remaining drywall but SMALL enough to fit through the plastic mounting hole in the wine rack.
This is Marilyn driving to Osborne’s Hardware store and searching bins and racks of screw types to find a VERY LONG #6 screw.
This is Marilyn finally locating #6 x 2.25” long drywall finishing screws.
This is Marilyn getting home and realizing—OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD—THIS SCREW ISN’T A FLAT HEAD NOR A PHILIPS SCREW, IT’S A—WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
In hardware parlance, a square recess impression in the head of a screw is a Robertson’s screw.
Did Marilyn have a Robertson screwdriver to screw in the Robertson’s screw?
OF COURSE MARILYN DOES NOT HAVE A ROBERTSON SCREWDRIVER!!!!!
This is Marilyn driving BACK to Osborne’s to buy a Robertson screw driver and finding out they have just closed for the day.
This is Marilyn sitting in the parking lot and using every swear word she knows and then inventing new swear words, many of which include the word Robertson.
This is Marilyn throwing the car into gear and driving BACK to Home Depot.
This is Marilyn, now the proud owner of a #1 Roberts Square Recess Screwdriver (Destornillador de Punta Cuadrada)
This is Marilyn arriving home, climbing back onto the stool and—using the NEW screwdriver and the NEW hardware—finally feels the wine rack tighten against the ceiling.
Four hours later, this is the new wine rack, which looks just like the old wine rack…except now there is a big honking 1/2” hole where before there was none.
And Marilyn knows a lot more swear words.
The end.
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