Dinnerparty dilemma. Remember my friend with all the diet restrictions?

M

Marg CDN

Well-known member
I was talking with a bunch of friends last night about these limitations and how to plan a dinnerparty to include her. So they suggested just filling her up with booze or asking her to bring her own box of food. Of course there is no alcohol in her diet either.

I am going to have a bunch of friends over for a serious dinner. I like to do serious dinners. I know she will be hurt if I don't invite her. Am I selfish for not wanting to impose all these restrictions on myself and my other guests? My friends insisted that she has so many limitations that she should just bring her own food.

No dairy, no meats, no sugar, no gluten. I just can't cook this way. It's punishing.

Do I tell her I'm having the party but let her know that it won't be her food...let her decide if she wants to join us? It will make for an awkward table of 6 or 8 with one person crunching down on one course that doesn't belong. If I quickly imagine a menu I just cannot see one course that she could eat.

Do I not invite her and forever know that I was not considerate? I would feel bad even if I planned it for a time when she is not around.

Should I make something just for her (it would definitely be simple and one dish and probably made the day ahead)?

I'm just one person now and getting a major menu together by myself for this many people will be a big challenge, especially in this tiny non-kitchen. It's the challenge that I love but I have to be reasonable.

Oh dear.

Any thoughts??

 
My thinking...

It sounds like you can't, in good conscience, think of not inviting her. So it seems that this is the best option:

1. Call/email/meet her for coffee. Lay out your idea. "I'm thinking of organizing a dinner party, and I wanted to include you. What's the best way to do that? Is it better if you bring your own food? Or would a make-ahead dish be okay?"

That way, you've made an attempt to include her, but you also make it clear that the entire dinner is not going to conform to her meal plan. And that's reasonable, I think.

But it does sound like you're stuck on her having one isolated course that everyone else doesn't eat. Sure, it may be awkward, but if the friendship is important, maybe everyone can get over the awkward part. Perhaps that's the underlying question: do you feel compelled to invite her out of friendship, or out of guilt?

It's not like you're throwing a "Mad Men" party and inviting an alcoholic (which would be insensitive)--you're doing everything you can to include her, but you're putting some boundaries on it. Maybe that's the key--don't allow her to push you into saying, "Oh, I'm sure we can adapt the menu so everyone will enjoy it." That way madness lies... smileys/wink.gif

Good luck! I'm sure, whatever you end up doing, everyone will enjoy it. smileys/smile.gif

 
I noticed that some rules/manners are really a regional thing. Here in Caifornia

I've seen this challenge done several ways. Tell the person what you are making, after explaining you want to have a special dinner for your friends and would like to include her,as well. Address the fact that your menu is going to take up a lot of storage space in your already tight kitchen. Ask her if anything you are preparing will be OK for her. If not, ask if she would mind bringing her favorite dish to share with everyone, plus to eat herself.

Not inviting her might be too painfull for you and her....your decision.

Or tell her you can make a large green salad with some ahi tuna slices for her to enjoy.

 
No matter what, I wouldn't invite your friend to cook a dish "to bring." When I plan a "special"

dinner and (invariably) people offer to make a dish, I usually say no. It's not a comment on their cooking abilities (okay, sometimes it is) so much as it is an esthetic or thematic decision. I mean, if invited to a concert, you wouldn't offer to bring your trombone so you could play along. "I'm sorry, but Velveeta Flambe simply doesn't complement anything I'm serving, thanks for offering."

My thinking is the same as Erin's. If this is primarily about the food, I'd help my friend find a way to graciously bow out. If it's about the company though, then I'd work out a satisfying meal that would be close to what I'm cooking but not necessarily a restricted-diet version of every dish.

Under NO circumstances is it a good idea to attempt creating a meal that will work for everyone. You'll find it more satisfying to walk in front of a bus. Been there, done that. Don't.

 
Erin, that's just what I'd do. My closest friend can eat almost nothing but it's about tellowship

Even if you make one thing she can eat, she will be appreciative. A pan of roasted veggies or something. Let her know the menu ahead of time.

 
Right you are. Only the most selfish, self-centered person would expect you to do a dinner party

With only foods they can eat. And I know you don't have any friends like that smileys/smile.gif

 
I have some serious food allergies and I would never ever expect someone to worry so much over a

dinner party with many other guests. those of us with life threatening allergies will eat first at home, bring something to eat, ask the hostess to maybe prepare one safe food, and above all else we don't want such a fuss made, because this points out our condition like we're wearing a red flag. Don't feel bad about her not being able to eat all the dishes----we are used to this and really want your company and for you not to fret. Maybe I'm different than your friend, but honestly, I wouldn't want you to worry so much. talk to her. I guess that's the best advice.

 
Um, I might actually eat Velveeta Flambee if it were served on nachos...

Well, Rotel Flambee, anyway.

 
I too have one serious one (peanuts) but I find often that all these

multiple food problems are self-imposed and not medically indicated. They are often the fashionable malady of the day. Point in case is the gluten free craze. There are actually very few people who truly have celiac disease. They've all just climbed on the band wagon. Years ago yeast is another one that comes to mind.

 
Such great advise from all; I echo completely.Ang, if I recall correctly,you are allergic to peas?

That has to be a tough one. Does that spill over to pistachios / edemame /peaches? (I heard that peaches / piscachios are somehow related)

Anyway, I agree with the thought that it is all about spending / enjoying the time with your friends. Be up front, tell the suggested menu and then it is her decision on how to proceeed.

I am excited for you for pulling together a fancy dinner! Please post your menu when you have it nailed down. I have not done a fancy dinner in ages. In our area, when we entertain, everyone brings a dish or side or appetizer and wine. My neighbors and friends work hard on our dishes, and everyone contributes.. We often do paper plates : ) It is all about the wine~ : )

 
I'd hate to have to explain that to a friend I landed in the ER because I assumed she was faking

celiac disease.

I've seen two friends with multiple food allergies (reasonable people, I should add, who weren't faking their allergies) reach for their epi-pens at separate dinners. It wasn't pretty. I have a friend who chokes if she eats something from a kitchen *where anything has come in contact with gluten.*

Sure, maybe gluten-free gets a lot of press, these days, but that's no reason to make assumptions about folks who are going gluten-free. How do you expect people to give your allergy the respect it deserves if you're blase about other allergies? I'm sorry, but it doesn't make sense to me.

 
I don't feel that way about anyone who has been to an allergist and had an allergy

medically diagnosed. I agree with you totally on that.

 
I don't invite all of my friends to every dinner party I have. I vary the group depending on the

occasion and the season. If she is a very, very dear friend who knows what you are up to all the time I would tell her I was having a dinner party, tell her what I was serving and let her make her own decision. Once in a while it's fun to go whole hog and serve what you like and what you cook best.

 
Darling, we HAVE to talk . . . ;>)

If you flambeed Velveeta, I don't think there would be anything left after all the chemicals burned off except the stench of burning socks.

Not that I have ANYTHING against Velveeta with Rotels. THAT will rock your world. (Although, when I make it, I add sauteed onions, garlic, serranos and cilantro. That will pretty much rock ANYONE'S world.)

 
Wow, did I head to the right place for help! I absolutely know what I'll do now and it will

be a combination of Erin's and Karen's suggestions. In fact, I may as well deal with it now as these restrictions are going to be a problem for future events as well. So I'll know how to handle it then.

And then, if it doesn't work, there's a bus just out here somewhere. Steve, you'll have to show me how to do that trick.

Thank you so much. You guys are just lovely. No, lovely!!

 
Gee, if I could have said what I thought as elegantly as Erin did, I would have. But she said it all

Friendship and sharing...that's what counts.

 
I agree with both of you. I know someone who refuses to get tested (ie: get proof) of celiac

disease or gluten-intolerance. Yet the topic dominates every meal, every conversation, every attempt to eat out, to the point of arguing with chefs and causing waitresses to cry. It has spoiled a long friendship to the point where I now avoid this person as much as possible.

On the other hand, I have a friend whose child is autistic and who makes every attempt to live a gluten-free/caseine-free life for his sake. I would walk over hot coals for that child.

 
I see it as just the opposite of what Erin said in that people who adopt the latest

"diet du jour" without medical diagnosis or justification make it WORSE for those of us who truly suffer life-threatening allergies because it becomes such a common "complaint" that people who truly suffer from anaphylaxis or such are minimized. And make no mistake, gluten-free is the latest celebrity diet, just like fat-free, yeast-free, South Beach, etc. There is a big difference between choosing not to eat something and being unable to do so. The "choosers" should be able to get over themselves every once in a while.

 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top