amanda_pennsylvania
Well-known member
I'm just shattered by her death. She was a generous soul here and I have so many recipes that she posted. I wish she had been able to see a way through her darkness. Holding her memory in the light.
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I've been away and just read the news about Meryl. Just tragic.
- Thread starter amanda_pennsylvania
- Start date
amanda_pennsylvania
Well-known member
Losing a spouse or partner is so traumatic.
It was really hard on my dad when my mother died five years ago. He never would have taken his life, but I know he didn't want to live. He was in really bad shape for many, many months after her death and I didn't think he was going to make it.
But he had a large network of friends and family--I think we basically forced him to keep going until things were more bearable. It sounds like Meryl didn't have that and it makes such a difference.
It was really hard on my dad when my mother died five years ago. He never would have taken his life, but I know he didn't want to live. He was in really bad shape for many, many months after her death and I didn't think he was going to make it.
But he had a large network of friends and family--I think we basically forced him to keep going until things were more bearable. It sounds like Meryl didn't have that and it makes such a difference.
heather_in_sf
Well-known member
I'm so sad for Meryl and am worried about my mom.
she's really declined in the last 2 months and it's breaking my heart. I know grief and being sleep deprived for a year and the stress of losing a spouse can take a huge toll and I'm trying to chalk up her changes to that but what if it's the Big A as my sis and I are calling it. She has an appointment next week but her assistant cautioned us not to talk to the doctor about our concerns as they might revoke her license. I was chatting with Susan in Kentfield about this too (such a good friend), I'd rather her get a proper diagnosis which might help her feel better than omit things her doctor should know.... She's so despondent too but I'm not worried about her taking her life.
she's really declined in the last 2 months and it's breaking my heart. I know grief and being sleep deprived for a year and the stress of losing a spouse can take a huge toll and I'm trying to chalk up her changes to that but what if it's the Big A as my sis and I are calling it. She has an appointment next week but her assistant cautioned us not to talk to the doctor about our concerns as they might revoke her license. I was chatting with Susan in Kentfield about this too (such a good friend), I'd rather her get a proper diagnosis which might help her feel better than omit things her doctor should know.... She's so despondent too but I'm not worried about her taking her life.
I can speak from personal and present experience. Please, you MUST
be completely honest and complete with your doctor in all the history he will take. There are other possibilities that could be overlooked if you aren't. I take it you are talking about a driver's license. Passing the test will keep the license. Whether she SHOULD be driving is a matter for the family to address when it is pertinent. The diagnosis will not take away a license--it is private, first of all. However, in the case of an accident it could become a matter to be brought up if it ever came to that.
I hope this helps, and I'd be glad to offer anything more.
be completely honest and complete with your doctor in all the history he will take. There are other possibilities that could be overlooked if you aren't. I take it you are talking about a driver's license. Passing the test will keep the license. Whether she SHOULD be driving is a matter for the family to address when it is pertinent. The diagnosis will not take away a license--it is private, first of all. However, in the case of an accident it could become a matter to be brought up if it ever came to that.
I hope this helps, and I'd be glad to offer anything more.
amanda_pennsylvania
Well-known member
Do tell the doctor; he or she needs all the relevant information.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Sending you hugs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Sending you hugs.
mariadnoca
Moderator
Do all the tests and tell her dr. There are meds that help
so if she has some type of dementia they can start her on meds to slow it down. My mom actually improved for a while. Also, she just might need an anti-depressant. It worked wonders for me and my SIL's when dealing with grief. (BTW, I had lots of memory issues when in the midst of grief, so it might be that, but either way it needs to be treated.)
Don't let the worry of a drivers lic get in the way of getting her treatment that would benefit her health in the long run. If she really shouldn't be driving - would you want her to be anyway?
so if she has some type of dementia they can start her on meds to slow it down. My mom actually improved for a while. Also, she just might need an anti-depressant. It worked wonders for me and my SIL's when dealing with grief. (BTW, I had lots of memory issues when in the midst of grief, so it might be that, but either way it needs to be treated.)
Don't let the worry of a drivers lic get in the way of getting her treatment that would benefit her health in the long run. If she really shouldn't be driving - would you want her to be anyway?
Heather it is so saddening to see this deterioration happen to one of the people who took
such good care of us when we were little.
My mom was a very strong woman but when my dad died suddenly, I learned that he had actually been looking after so many of the aspects of their lives that he had never done before. In fact I was surprised that he could handle it all. He had said nothing about her decline. They were at their winter home in Phoenix and I knew it would be difficult to assess what was going on with her from such a distance. I had too many worries without adding her driving to it, however. I had to tell her right then and there that I was going to sell my dad's car and that I truly and sadly believed that she had not been driving for so long that she would not be able to do so. She was actually just mentally incapable and would be a threat to anyone else on the road. That was my major concern.
She argued with me and I had to tell her that if she fought me on it, I would ask the police to have her road-tested. That did it.
It ripped my heart out to do this but it was just not reasonable to let her loose on the roads. I took her out and showed her examples of my concern and she eventually accepted what I said.
The only thing that I really strongly advise is that if there is some issue of family trust or conflict, get her to get all the paperwork in order before she sees the doctors for competence issues. I had a brother who got in the way of what my mom wanted and she suffered for another 12 years because of him. It still saddens me to know that all that happened to her.
It's tough. Sorry.
such good care of us when we were little.
My mom was a very strong woman but when my dad died suddenly, I learned that he had actually been looking after so many of the aspects of their lives that he had never done before. In fact I was surprised that he could handle it all. He had said nothing about her decline. They were at their winter home in Phoenix and I knew it would be difficult to assess what was going on with her from such a distance. I had too many worries without adding her driving to it, however. I had to tell her right then and there that I was going to sell my dad's car and that I truly and sadly believed that she had not been driving for so long that she would not be able to do so. She was actually just mentally incapable and would be a threat to anyone else on the road. That was my major concern.
She argued with me and I had to tell her that if she fought me on it, I would ask the police to have her road-tested. That did it.
It ripped my heart out to do this but it was just not reasonable to let her loose on the roads. I took her out and showed her examples of my concern and she eventually accepted what I said.
The only thing that I really strongly advise is that if there is some issue of family trust or conflict, get her to get all the paperwork in order before she sees the doctors for competence issues. I had a brother who got in the way of what my mom wanted and she suffered for another 12 years because of him. It still saddens me to know that all that happened to her.
It's tough. Sorry.
Good advice about the "paperwork". Includes wills, POAs,
healthcare POAs, and living wills.
We have had the difficulty of talking to family members about willingly giving up their driving, which is SO hard because it is a last vestige of independence. However, the thought of the heartbreak of hurting someone they didn't mean to in an accident--or having their entire estate taken in a lawsuit can be a powerful element for their consideration.
healthcare POAs, and living wills.
We have had the difficulty of talking to family members about willingly giving up their driving, which is SO hard because it is a last vestige of independence. However, the thought of the heartbreak of hurting someone they didn't mean to in an accident--or having their entire estate taken in a lawsuit can be a powerful element for their consideration.
mariadnoca
Moderator
Very true, if she is declared incompetent, any will etc can be contested with ease.
melissa-dallas
Well-known member
A good lawyer won't write wills or paperwork if they can tell someone is not competent
I can tell you as a paralegal I wouldn't witness or notarize anything if I suspected the person was incompetent either. The lawyer has to be able to meet alone with that person and believe that they understand what they are doing and want to do it. It doesn't have a thing to do with whether a doctor has determined it first.
I can tell you as a paralegal I wouldn't witness or notarize anything if I suspected the person was incompetent either. The lawyer has to be able to meet alone with that person and believe that they understand what they are doing and want to do it. It doesn't have a thing to do with whether a doctor has determined it first.
(((Heather)))) Dealing with a similar situation with my mom from afar
with the "Big A"
I will echo those who mentioned getting a diagnosis soon so if it is treatable with meds she can get started on them. They can slow the progression of the disease. And grief does also cause memory issues, so it would be good to address it and know more what might be the root cause.
We had a dear friend who had starting moving into dementia, we didn't realize how much so because his wife had been compensating for it for quite some time. When she passed away, he seemed to quickly deteriorate, but didn't have enough daily contact with people to enable anyone to realize what was going on until some time had passed. It is good your mom has you and your sister to help her navigate this difficult time.
Big hugs to you and your family.
with the "Big A"
I will echo those who mentioned getting a diagnosis soon so if it is treatable with meds she can get started on them. They can slow the progression of the disease. And grief does also cause memory issues, so it would be good to address it and know more what might be the root cause.
We had a dear friend who had starting moving into dementia, we didn't realize how much so because his wife had been compensating for it for quite some time. When she passed away, he seemed to quickly deteriorate, but didn't have enough daily contact with people to enable anyone to realize what was going on until some time had passed. It is good your mom has you and your sister to help her navigate this difficult time.
Big hugs to you and your family.
heather_in_sf
Well-known member
I want to thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart.
My mom sees her doctor this Wednesday and I really feel like her grief and fatigue must have something to do with all of her symptoms, but the doctor needs to decide. A dear family friend suggested calling her doctor myself and voicing my concerns and what I have observed, even with HIPPA he won't be able to talk to me but he can listen. I've gathered up everything I can find about living wills, health care directives and POA and mailed it to my sister who is there with her now (with her broken ankle). Poor thing, she's trying to care for herself and mom while on a scooter and there are 3 steps outside to the trash can etc. I also am worried about the degree of financial control her home helper has and discussed this with my mom. Not sure how much sunk in that I don't want financial POA to go to someone who isn't a very long term family friend or a family member. I kept saying you don't have an employee have a POA, that's a conflict of interest, right? My sister is worried about betraying her trust and going behind her back to ask questions and talk about this, but in my mind it's all to protect her and her interests and we are the ones who will be making decisions if it is the Big A. Oy. Such a rough patch. I really appreciate your support and encouragement, can't tell you enough how glad I am that you are all here for me. ((hugs))
My mom sees her doctor this Wednesday and I really feel like her grief and fatigue must have something to do with all of her symptoms, but the doctor needs to decide. A dear family friend suggested calling her doctor myself and voicing my concerns and what I have observed, even with HIPPA he won't be able to talk to me but he can listen. I've gathered up everything I can find about living wills, health care directives and POA and mailed it to my sister who is there with her now (with her broken ankle). Poor thing, she's trying to care for herself and mom while on a scooter and there are 3 steps outside to the trash can etc. I also am worried about the degree of financial control her home helper has and discussed this with my mom. Not sure how much sunk in that I don't want financial POA to go to someone who isn't a very long term family friend or a family member. I kept saying you don't have an employee have a POA, that's a conflict of interest, right? My sister is worried about betraying her trust and going behind her back to ask questions and talk about this, but in my mind it's all to protect her and her interests and we are the ones who will be making decisions if it is the Big A. Oy. Such a rough patch. I really appreciate your support and encouragement, can't tell you enough how glad I am that you are all here for me. ((hugs))
(((Heather)))) When we did this with my mom - my sister actually faxed her concerns
to the doctor and asked the doc to review it before the appointment, so she knew in advance without my sister having to discuss it in front of our mom during the appointment. That way there is no embarrassment or defensiveness.
to the doctor and asked the doc to review it before the appointment, so she knew in advance without my sister having to discuss it in front of our mom during the appointment. That way there is no embarrassment or defensiveness.
patbastrop
Well-known member
(((Heather))) Lisa this is such a wonderful suggestion!
Life gets more and more complicated. Thank God for all our compassionate and loving friends!
Life gets more and more complicated. Thank God for all our compassionate and loving friends!