NFR Continuation of my Faux Grandmother status:

marilynfl

Moderator
For someone without fallopian tubes, I really shouldn't be going through this.

The hammer finally dropped regarding my expectation that we would be asked to babysit a child we've never seen while her parents go on a Florida cruise. Last week we received an email from Canadian friend asking for dates when they can come for a visit. I told Larry I wanted to write the response back.

Before you read what I wrote, here are a few comments ({cough} complaints) this guest has made during previous visits. Always spoken to me alone...never to Larry, whose friend she actually is. By the end of the list, you should have a good sense of my feelings toward this person.

• Spare bed is too soft (followed by: “When are you getting a new mattress?”)

• Pillows are too hard

• (Brand new) Towels are too linty and don’t absorb well.

• Patio is too dirty. She had to sweep it herself before she could lounge out there.

• I over-cook everything

• I over-salt everything

• I use too much sugar

• I use too much fat

• I eat too much meat

• I buy too much food

On the other hand,

• I didn’t have orange juice in the frig

• I didn’t have apple juice in the frig (Why don't you have any juice?)

• Or brown rice

• Or green tea

• I snore too loud and woke her up

• Ceiling fan was too noisy

• The birds were too loud (yes,you read that correctly)

• The sprinkler system woke her up

• I didn’t have the right kind of soap to wash her exercise clothes (“How can you not have bar soap? Everyone has bar soap!”)

Thanks to all of you, I wrote up what I thought was a succinct and polite response to her email request that we tell them when was the best time for them to visit {December to March, also known as Winter Cruise Months) because Baby M was so looking forward to meeting her American Foster Grandparents Nonna and Nonne.

(Yes, now we've been given Alternate names. Isn't that how people steal your soul...once they find out your name, they can control you??? Does it count if they name you themselves?)

(here’s what I wrote, paraphrasing): we looked forward to meeting Baby M and visiting with them. December and February were busy but mid-January and March were fine. However, since they’re in the planning/booking stage of their vacation (thanks Traca!) and since The Mom has previously mentioned the idea of going on another cruise (Thanks Joe) we felt it was important they understand what while we’d love to visit—and you know we love you-- (thanks Maria!) we aren’t comfortable with the idea of babysitting (thanks EVERYONE). Then I mentioned the Disney cruise line has babysitting options which two of my sisters have used (giving it personal validation AND showing that I don't even babysit my own kin) and they both felt very comfortable with it.

Then I called Larry in to get his opinion.

Big mistake.

Larry read and ix-nayed the email because she never said anything to him about us watching their kid (this was back before they even HAD A KID and then she said it again to me while she was pregnant...so both times were to me alone) while they went on a cruise. He wants to call and speak with her in person.

I told him I’m FINE with that, just so long as it’s clear I don’t have to babysit. That actually speaking over the phone would eliminate any potential misinterpretation of a written email (thanks EVERYONE).

I think she’ll still wrap him around her finger. I may hire a bunch of birds and have them squawk around the phone when he calls her.

 
Wow. You say you aren't a saint? You're too nice!

I do think the phone is a better way too, no room for misinterpretation, as you say. I can't believe she said some of the things to you that she did!

 
I'm speechless at the number of complaints from a guest in your home. Hideous.

Perhaps you'll get to send the follow up email once Larry has his courtesy conversation, framed with: "as a follow up to your conversation, here are some suggestions......."

Wow, good luck!!

 
Marilyn, I am beside myself ....... cannot believe this person. I have a suggestion with reference

to the birds.

Get a cage full of Mockingbirds and place them under the window ......... that will cure her for asking to stay ever again in the future.

 
Marilyn, as a husband of 25+ years, I will say this: I sure hope Larry...

...got to see this post.

If he doesn't FIERCELY protect his wife from these boorish, obnoxious cretins, then he doesn't deserve the happy home he now shares with her.

There. I said it.

LARRY: DO THE RIGHT THING. SEND THESE PEOPLE PACKING!!!!!

There is simply NO EXCUSE for this kind of headache.

Bless their hearts.

Michael

 
Ashamed to read that women is Canadian. I wouldn't have her in my home after

those nasty remarks. And, in no way should you be expected to babysit their child.

Good luck with this one.....

 
You know, if for some reason the conversation with Larry goes awry....

I think you should feel absolutely free to email them and override anything your dear husband agrees to by being quite blunt and saying, "Larry wasn't in possession of all the fact when he agreed to......"

This may be while I am still single, but still, you should never ever have to host this person again in your home for any reason! Her list of complaints is quite comical really. I miss Erma Bombeck, she would have written a great book just about this situation!!!!

 
Entitlement! Table for 2!

Ok, table for two and a half if you count that interloper baby. Wow, complain much? Sheesh!

Larry,

I'm sure these people have some redeeming qualities, I'm sure they are very nice most of the time, but please understand --- we temporarily hate these people.

And they must be stopped....help us Obi-Lar Kenobi, you're our only hope!

So, call if you must or maybe an edit tweak?

we felt it was important, as an FYI for them so they can plan ahead, they understand while we’d love to visit—

Or, how about a totally different kind of letter, one that shares a story of bad house guests something like "and could you believe they wanted us to watch their kids? I mean everyone knows we don't do kids... Thank goodness X and Y aren't (or you aren't) like that, I know YOU/THEY would never do something like that. I mean for folks who have kids I always tell them about the Disney cruise my sisters used...blah, blah, blah" but nicer, because that's how you roll.

Also, sarcasm is your friend. Start practicing lines like: we aim to please; did you bring it/buy it?; sorry the maid quit years ago; Martha Stewart Doesn’t Live Here; it's all part of the package here at Mar-a-LarGoGetItYourself; and as a mantra: well, you get what you pay for.

You need to post a sign!

HOUSE GUEST RULES

1. Martha Stewart Doesn’t Live Here, However, She Does Make Pop Inspections - Clean Up After Yourself!
2. Babysitting Services are Not Available – Please Curb Your Kids!
3. If You Don't Like My Standards of Cooking...Lower Your Standards.
4. You Break It - You Pay For It.
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer: Do It Yourself!
6. Help Keep The Kitchen Clean: Eat Out.
7. Emergency Numbers: (insert real numbers)
Pizza - - - - - - 555-555-5555
Chinese - - - - 555-555-5555
Deli - - - -- - - 555-555-5555
Coffee Shop - 555-555-5555
Grandma - - - 555-555-5555
8. You have two choices for dinner: Take It or Leave It! (Or, Due to limited time constraints – Meal Service is Not Provided.)
9. Should you feel the overwhelming urge to complain about the uncomfortableness, keep that to yourself. Its not that I don't agree- in fact I hear that beds in hotels are way more comfy. Perhaps that hard slab of pavement outside would be a more comfortable.
10. All visitors planning to stay more than three days and nights are now required to show one of the following documents.
1. A valid airplane ticket from a different country
2. An insurance claim proving that your house burnt down.
3. The birth certificate proving that I once lived in your (or your wife's) womb for nine months
-Or-
4. Photo ID proving that you are Johnny Depp or George Clooney.

(and a circle with a slash through it logo of: No Whining)

 
Do any of you think it really weird that parents of a new infant would be willing to

Leave it for an extended time with someone who has no access to a pediatrician? Guess they'd expect you to head to the ER?

 
Most people I know have a hard time leaving an infant at all

let alone for an extended stay, let alone with folks who haven't had a lot of experience with kids.

Personally, don't think I know anyone that would do this. Just coming from their own comfort level POV anyhoo.

 
What Michael said. And Larry needs to understand that you may be off on an emergency cruise

of your own if he caves. Maybe your sisters would like to join you for a girls' week. HEY--maybe Larry can babysit all the kids at once!

 
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