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What do you say when....
- Thread starter Marg CDN
- Start date
I love these stories. Here's mine......
Marg--I'm guessing your friend is a member of the "I am NEVER WRONG" Club. My mother belonged to that group back when she was alive. Now, Mom was a very good cook, but she would bake a turkey from 5 AM until evening, exactly as described...probably because she was taught that method by her mother. Dark meat was Mother's favorite so she never had to gnaw on any shoe-leather-type, dried out, white meat like the rest of us.
I cannot count how many millions of times she & I had the discussion about how today's pork is leaner and so doesn't need to cook as long as pork that was raised and sold when Mom was a newlywed. Yes, I bought her an instant-read thermometer, but she didn't trust the thing because she could SEE that the pork still had a pinkish tinge. (Point: Even if your friend owns an instant-read, she'll cook her chicken to the 200-degree F mark on her thermometer!)
I learned to avoid giving detailed answers to Mom's question regarding how long I'd had my turkey in the oven. I kept my replies vague and high-level. When Mother did become persistent, I would simply say I didn't remember exactly when I put the bird into the oven because that wasn't important since I could definitely tell when it was done and that was what was critical. (Just like with a cake, you don't really need to know when you put it in to bake, but you simply need to catch it right when no batter or crumbs cling to an inserted wooden toothpick, and that's the precise moment to take it out of the oven!)
Mom would usually still insist on knowing my starting cook time because that was how she did things. If I didn't do things exactly like she did, then I had to be wrong and NOT HER. So one time I replied, "Well, I was up at 5 AM to get that monster of a bird into the oven." That would shut her up because she assumed I put the turkey into the oven first thing. Au contraire! My fowl didn't go in until several hours later, but in order to avoid the annual clash of turkey cooking techniques between mother and eldest daughter, I never elaborated on that minute detail.
Another year Mom insisted the turkey wasn't done even though it was perfection so I cut off one of the drumsticks, wrapped it in foil and stuck it back in the oven for her. The whole family sat down to eat the Thanksgiving repast, and Mom pulled her drumstick out to nibble on 2 hours later. She was happy, and we were happy! (Of course, Mom had to make a comment about the probability of us all coming down with food poisoning. Sigh. 1) I told her that if we did, then she would be healthy and could nurse us! 2) The next day I made it a prioroty to point out that NOBODY had been sick during the night. lol.)
I'm sure you remember some of the flame wars from Gail's and EPI and Kitchen-Seek because some folks can NEVER BE WRONG. They cannot accept that there are alternate ways/routes to arrive at the same destination. Their approach is the RIGHT way, and it is the ONLY way. Mom was one of those. I learned it was best to let her think I was doing things her way even when I wasn't because there was no way I was going to change her. And there is no way you'll change your friend. Some people can agree to disagree, but Mom wasn't even in that camp.
RE going to your friend's house for dinner....1) Can you just show up with your own food because you're on a special diet? (And you will be on a special diet of eating ONLY GOOD FOOD THAT IS NOT OVERCOOKED!) 2) Can you eat before you go to her house so you'll be full and not need to eat? ( Maybe she can be led to think that you have to fast for a lipid panel blood draw the next day? Take a Tupperware container along with you and be sure to scoop all your portions into it to take home with you to "enjoy" (cough, cough) the next day.) 3) Maybe you could all meet at a restaurant so you can make your own selections. 4) Or sign up to go to a cooking class together! You'll enjoy wonderful food, and maybe your friend will learn something new! 5) How about starting a pitch-in with your group of friends? That way there will only be one dish ruined!
Good luck, Marg! I know exactly what you are experiencing, and it sounds like a few others on this site do, too. It is such a comfort to know I'm not the only one who's been through this.
Wigs
PS: How about having all your food cooked BEFORE your guests arrive? Keep it on warmers. One year I baked my brined turkey the day before & sliced it and reheated it gently on Thanksgiving. It was super moist and delicious. That way my know-it-all guest didn't plague me during the actual cooking event. Smile.
Marg--I'm guessing your friend is a member of the "I am NEVER WRONG" Club. My mother belonged to that group back when she was alive. Now, Mom was a very good cook, but she would bake a turkey from 5 AM until evening, exactly as described...probably because she was taught that method by her mother. Dark meat was Mother's favorite so she never had to gnaw on any shoe-leather-type, dried out, white meat like the rest of us.
I cannot count how many millions of times she & I had the discussion about how today's pork is leaner and so doesn't need to cook as long as pork that was raised and sold when Mom was a newlywed. Yes, I bought her an instant-read thermometer, but she didn't trust the thing because she could SEE that the pork still had a pinkish tinge. (Point: Even if your friend owns an instant-read, she'll cook her chicken to the 200-degree F mark on her thermometer!)
I learned to avoid giving detailed answers to Mom's question regarding how long I'd had my turkey in the oven. I kept my replies vague and high-level. When Mother did become persistent, I would simply say I didn't remember exactly when I put the bird into the oven because that wasn't important since I could definitely tell when it was done and that was what was critical. (Just like with a cake, you don't really need to know when you put it in to bake, but you simply need to catch it right when no batter or crumbs cling to an inserted wooden toothpick, and that's the precise moment to take it out of the oven!)
Mom would usually still insist on knowing my starting cook time because that was how she did things. If I didn't do things exactly like she did, then I had to be wrong and NOT HER. So one time I replied, "Well, I was up at 5 AM to get that monster of a bird into the oven." That would shut her up because she assumed I put the turkey into the oven first thing. Au contraire! My fowl didn't go in until several hours later, but in order to avoid the annual clash of turkey cooking techniques between mother and eldest daughter, I never elaborated on that minute detail.
Another year Mom insisted the turkey wasn't done even though it was perfection so I cut off one of the drumsticks, wrapped it in foil and stuck it back in the oven for her. The whole family sat down to eat the Thanksgiving repast, and Mom pulled her drumstick out to nibble on 2 hours later. She was happy, and we were happy! (Of course, Mom had to make a comment about the probability of us all coming down with food poisoning. Sigh. 1) I told her that if we did, then she would be healthy and could nurse us! 2) The next day I made it a prioroty to point out that NOBODY had been sick during the night. lol.)
I'm sure you remember some of the flame wars from Gail's and EPI and Kitchen-Seek because some folks can NEVER BE WRONG. They cannot accept that there are alternate ways/routes to arrive at the same destination. Their approach is the RIGHT way, and it is the ONLY way. Mom was one of those. I learned it was best to let her think I was doing things her way even when I wasn't because there was no way I was going to change her. And there is no way you'll change your friend. Some people can agree to disagree, but Mom wasn't even in that camp.
RE going to your friend's house for dinner....1) Can you just show up with your own food because you're on a special diet? (And you will be on a special diet of eating ONLY GOOD FOOD THAT IS NOT OVERCOOKED!) 2) Can you eat before you go to her house so you'll be full and not need to eat? ( Maybe she can be led to think that you have to fast for a lipid panel blood draw the next day? Take a Tupperware container along with you and be sure to scoop all your portions into it to take home with you to "enjoy" (cough, cough) the next day.) 3) Maybe you could all meet at a restaurant so you can make your own selections. 4) Or sign up to go to a cooking class together! You'll enjoy wonderful food, and maybe your friend will learn something new! 5) How about starting a pitch-in with your group of friends? That way there will only be one dish ruined!
Good luck, Marg! I know exactly what you are experiencing, and it sounds like a few others on this site do, too. It is such a comfort to know I'm not the only one who's been through this.
Wigs
PS: How about having all your food cooked BEFORE your guests arrive? Keep it on warmers. One year I baked my brined turkey the day before & sliced it and reheated it gently on Thanksgiving. It was super moist and delicious. That way my know-it-all guest didn't plague me during the actual cooking event. Smile.
Wow Wigs. You hit so many nails here. You pegged my friend exactly but different from your
mom, she does not know how to cook. I don't care about that and I'll continue to eat at her place; it's only occasional.
She is one of those ALWAYS RIGHT people and it is seriously costing her friends. I think that is one of my main concerns here. I don't want to see her continue to lose friends but certainly there has to be a limit to my involvement.
My mom was like yours...she had to be up at 7 AM to 'get the turkey in', as it was called. I always thought is was such a simple meal but she got all 'worked up' about it. My dad had to have everything extremely overcooked and we had to adjust. He was so bad that decades later when visiting my husband and me and eating with friends, he said all he wanted was a peanut butter sandwich. He was half-way kidding. He didn't like eating elsewhere also because he thought it would not be clean. (and yet the only restaurant he was willing to go to was Chinese). So a friend who was an outstanding cook, put all the dinner on the table and then served him a big plate with a small cracker and peanut butter. We laughed so hard, even he did. He started getting over it and eventually learned to love the way I cook.
Back to this current friend though, like Lisa says, I'm going to have to suck it up. And I have to stop trying to please people unrealistically. She insists on all of us eating early to suit her, won't eat the hors d'oeuvre course because it may be too much, (I find it a lot of work serving a many course meal from my tiny kitchen with no help and I would never think of refusing to try a course at someone's house), insists on eating her salad WITH her meal because that's the way she does it regardless of how I've planned the meal.
So I've learned a lot from this discussion. I'm the problem and I'll have to have a big chat with myself.
The other thing I guess, is that I don't tell her how to cook when we go to her place. We had one dinner there when she forgot that one of our friends is lactose-intolerant. I offered to go get her a hunk of leftover inside roast beef that could just be warmed up and still be delicious. She took the piece of beef and fried and fried and fried it although I had said that it just needed a quick warming to finish the cooking. Our poor friend could barely get that dried old shoe down. And what a waste. It was such a good roast.
I could not take food to someone's dinner but I sure agree that I should have just avoided the question about when the chicken went into the oven. I am quite expert at avoiding the details like you suggested, without lying.
I'm glad I asked this question.
mom, she does not know how to cook. I don't care about that and I'll continue to eat at her place; it's only occasional.
She is one of those ALWAYS RIGHT people and it is seriously costing her friends. I think that is one of my main concerns here. I don't want to see her continue to lose friends but certainly there has to be a limit to my involvement.
My mom was like yours...she had to be up at 7 AM to 'get the turkey in', as it was called. I always thought is was such a simple meal but she got all 'worked up' about it. My dad had to have everything extremely overcooked and we had to adjust. He was so bad that decades later when visiting my husband and me and eating with friends, he said all he wanted was a peanut butter sandwich. He was half-way kidding. He didn't like eating elsewhere also because he thought it would not be clean. (and yet the only restaurant he was willing to go to was Chinese). So a friend who was an outstanding cook, put all the dinner on the table and then served him a big plate with a small cracker and peanut butter. We laughed so hard, even he did. He started getting over it and eventually learned to love the way I cook.
Back to this current friend though, like Lisa says, I'm going to have to suck it up. And I have to stop trying to please people unrealistically. She insists on all of us eating early to suit her, won't eat the hors d'oeuvre course because it may be too much, (I find it a lot of work serving a many course meal from my tiny kitchen with no help and I would never think of refusing to try a course at someone's house), insists on eating her salad WITH her meal because that's the way she does it regardless of how I've planned the meal.
So I've learned a lot from this discussion. I'm the problem and I'll have to have a big chat with myself.
The other thing I guess, is that I don't tell her how to cook when we go to her place. We had one dinner there when she forgot that one of our friends is lactose-intolerant. I offered to go get her a hunk of leftover inside roast beef that could just be warmed up and still be delicious. She took the piece of beef and fried and fried and fried it although I had said that it just needed a quick warming to finish the cooking. Our poor friend could barely get that dried old shoe down. And what a waste. It was such a good roast.
I could not take food to someone's dinner but I sure agree that I should have just avoided the question about when the chicken went into the oven. I am quite expert at avoiding the details like you suggested, without lying.
I'm glad I asked this question.
G
Guest
Guest
Don't blame yourself.
I wouldn't have overcooked the chicken either. I would have removed her portion first and microwaved or broiled it to her liking while I carved and plated the rest. The next time she comes over buy her a single portion and start cooking it before the whole bird. You could also try to find something that she will eat properly cooked, maybe a lasagna or a braise. I just bought a short dated pork shoulder on sale and am going to slow roast it about 6 hours.
I wouldn't have overcooked the chicken either. I would have removed her portion first and microwaved or broiled it to her liking while I carved and plated the rest. The next time she comes over buy her a single portion and start cooking it before the whole bird. You could also try to find something that she will eat properly cooked, maybe a lasagna or a braise. I just bought a short dated pork shoulder on sale and am going to slow roast it about 6 hours.
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I really don't see it as your problem unless it is the part of
trying to please your guest, which I think we all try to do. I thought the person that said to "try this and we can run it back in a hot oven if it isn't the way you like it" was good, although I would preface it with--try this--it could be just different from the way you do it
. I think your friend has grossly overstepped being the guest--just my opinion. I would never say a word about food served to me (unless it was rare chicken/etc. , which I still might pick around) which you are not talking about.
trying to please your guest, which I think we all try to do. I thought the person that said to "try this and we can run it back in a hot oven if it isn't the way you like it" was good, although I would preface it with--try this--it could be just different from the way you do it
. I think your friend has grossly overstepped being the guest--just my opinion. I would never say a word about food served to me (unless it was rare chicken/etc. , which I still might pick around) which you are not talking about.
Oh marg, I disagree completely!!!!
You wrote "I'm the problem."
No. No. NO!
If your kind heart wants to keep this friend, then make small adjustments as you've mentioned when dining together, but DO NOT MAKE THEM BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU ARE WRONG.
Okay...I'm done yelling across the Continental Divide.
Your friend is the picky one.
You wrote "I'm the problem."
No. No. NO!
If your kind heart wants to keep this friend, then make small adjustments as you've mentioned when dining together, but DO NOT MAKE THEM BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU ARE WRONG.
Okay...I'm done yelling across the Continental Divide.
Your friend is the picky one.
I would definitely not say the problem is you - but sometimes in order to deal
with difficult situations, we have to adjust our own expectations or however you would like to phrase it in order to maintain the relationship.
Dealing with difficult people is....difficult. smileys/bigsmile.gif
IMO there is no one right way, it probably comes down to how flexible one chooses to be to accommodate the other person's quirks. Sometimes it can work; other times, not so much.
with difficult situations, we have to adjust our own expectations or however you would like to phrase it in order to maintain the relationship.
Dealing with difficult people is....difficult. smileys/bigsmile.gif
IMO there is no one right way, it probably comes down to how flexible one chooses to be to accommodate the other person's quirks. Sometimes it can work; other times, not so much.