I bake. I get fat. I accept it. I don't seem to have a shut-off valve
like most folks. So I eat a lot or I give it away if I just want "a taste" first. Happily, the library has no problem accepting a pie with a slice missing.
And while Larry enjoys my desserts, he can take 'em or leave 'em. He'll actually FORGET there is a keylime pie sitting right in the front of the frig. I, on the other hand, hear that blueberry pie/limoncello tiramisu/chocolate pudding/warm oatmeal cookie calling to me until I give in. Then I'll eat and eat and eat until it's gone.
I know I eat far too many calories. For example: I realized my imported milk chocolate was getting a bloom on it so I made milk chocolate pudding. Here's the list of ingredients: pure milk chocolate candy, heavy cream, half & half, milk, cocoa, sugar, butter, corn starch. Carefully note there is nothing GREEN in this list, nothing with any nutrients What. So. Ever. Nothing under 50 calories...well, maybe the milk cartons are--and that would be fiber and ruffage. So I made the recipe and then ate 3 of the 5 servings, trying to decide if I liked it better warm (creamy) or cold (mousse-like). Like I said, no shut off valve. But, on the other hand, I'd definitely make the recipe again with a few tweaks.
Going out on the limb with "far too much infomation" here (this is where Oprah would put her hands over her ears) --my body weight has ALWAYS been an issue. I (unknowingly) had a 15 POUND (yes, you read that right) benign tumor attached near my stomach throughout my teens. Mocking, thoughtless people would call me fatso or make jokes that I looked pregnant. So I grew up sensitve about my weight/appearance. Then I solved that little problem by becoming bulemic during my twenties.
Kept that horrid little secret for years and then I finally got brave enough to seek a doctor's help and tell him what I've been doing. Here's what he said...and I quote because this is seared in my brain: "That is really sick."
So...guess we're not getting any help from the medical profession, huh? I do think it was before they became aware bulemia was such a prevalent problem with young females. I'm hoping so.
Oh...and I also went to Weight Watchers in the hope of getting dietary guidance and they REFUSED to let me join because....wait for it...wait for it...I WASN'T FAT ENOUGH! The leader took me aside and gently told me that I would make the other "heavier" women "feel bad" if I sat with them during the meetings. Of course, I hadn't shared my shameful little secret with them. I went back out to my car, drove to the nearest grocery store, bought a half-gallon of ice cream, ate it crying, then purged it.
Welcome to my Hell.
One day I finally decided that was enough. So next I wrapped my life around a reduced calorie diet. There's an old photo of me floating around Randi's site that shows me "normal-weight" (130 lbs at 5'8"), which I maintained by starving myself at around 1000 calories a day (no fat, no snack food, no bread, no butter, no nuts (God Forbid!), etc. I could recite verbatum the calorie & fat content of ANY food out there.
One day I finally decided THAT was enough. For example, I've finally given up "fat-free" yogurt once and for all and now blissfully enjoy full-fat greek yogurt. All dieting rules went out the window. I want it. I eat it. And I accept the weight gain as due penance.
So I'm no longer "bulemic" and I no longer starve myself, and I've gained 1/3 of my body weight in excess fat. I've tried every diet on the planet. And I've lost. Oh yes...but never kept the weight off consistently.
Right now I'm officially "obese" by the doctor's chart--plus I've SHRUNK! Osteopenia, 20 years with no hormones, no shut-off valve and a desire to bake all the foods I've always wanted to make have left me at 5'7" and 60 pounds heavier.
God...there I go, purging again. Forgive me. For some reason the truth just bubbled up and out.
