I'm so sorry to have to post this terrible news.

Amen Maria. No matter how much you love someone they should never be your entire life.

Everyone needs their own friends and interests.

I also have done probate work for a long time and can testify to the mess (and fighting) that ensues from not having your planning and paperwork in order.

 
Well said, Maria. Also, we all need a support structure for emergencies separate from our spouses..

Still, it's hard not to pass judgement on those like Randi and Meryl who die by suicide. I think it is important to not judge, and to find only sympathy for their heartache. We all have different levels of resilience.

 
I agree Joe. It is hard to do though! At least for me. My wife and I just celebrated...

our anniversary (27) and I would like to THINK I have an outside support path, but I really don't. She and I are ONE, and have been for more than 35 years!

And you're right, it is best to resist the temptation to judge others. (Wisdom comes from being able to discern, though. There is a difference.) I'm no one's judge. Everyone is bearing their own burden and fighting their own battle. DL Moody said it best, I think: "I've had more trouble with myself than any other man."

Michael

 
Exactly! An excellent resource for that is this checklist. Back when I was working

in an insurance company, I paid out a $500K policy to an ex-wife. They divorced 16 years before, remarried, but he never changed the beneficiary. Ugh!

My brother was found dead in his car in a grocery store parking lot in December. We know he has significant financial holdings (My dad saw bank statements a year ago) but cannot identify where the money is now. It's all electronic and as of this writing, we still can't crack the password.

Death is hard enough. Unraveling the rest of this stuff? Doubles the devastation and frankly, is a massive distraction from the actual grieving.

http://getyourshittogether.org/checklist/#.U8icweNdUuc

 
I don't think anyone is intending this as judgmental. I know I'm not.

Part of the reason I sympathized so with Meryl is I am a pretty serious introvert & have to work at not isolating myself, so I understood how hard it was for her to "get out there" and try to develop some new relationships.

 
In addition to our wills, we've created a sheet that lists all important info (see inside) and have

given it to my sister (our executor) and placed a copy in the drawers next to our sides of the bed.

It lists all financial info (bank, portfolio info) including account numbers, address of institutions, contact person and phone number.

All insurance info (policy numbers, insurance companies, agent's names and numbers)

Our will lawyers name and contact info as well as our tax accountant.

Where our bank safe box is located and where to find the key in our house

etc.

My father first created this list for himself and my mom about 20 years ago and sat us down (3 daughters) and went over it and where to find it. He updates it whenever is needed.

 
also, Living Wills for medical decisions. Remember: DNR (Do Not Resusitate) is NOT ONLY

for a comotose patient in a vegetative state with no hope of recovery. That's what Mary (MIL), Larry & I thought. Mary had had a horrific "bring back from the dead" experience and decided she didn't EVER want that again. If she was dying, she wanted them to let her die. So they (hospital) recommended she put DNR on record.

We (Larry and I) thought DNR was strictly for vegetative states, but it is not.

Mary had a faulty heart valve and at 86, no cardiologists would operate on her to replace it. When she was dying and in Hospice and the heart valve finally failed, her lungs filled up with fluid and she died--by drowning. It was horrific for her and for the family to watch and we pleaded with the doctors/nurses to do something. Since she was DNR, they could not.

I apologize if this is too graphic, but I truly feel others should FULLY understand what DNR means. We did not.

 
Please know that a DNR needs to be available to the Paramedics.

We kept a copy by the phone in case we needed to call the Paramedics for my Dad.

 
Each person is so unique...

... I have no intention of going into details of my personal demons, but let me just say that IF a tragedy like that happened to me, I doubt I would reach out. Of course, you never know how things develop, how our inner strength might surface, but I "think" I would rather be left alone, on my own, with my pain. What would come up out of it, I have no idea.

this whole thing is too sad....

 
Goodness no. It's just a wish that people could possibly not feel so much pain of loneliness.

Meryl fully described what she was feeling and it is so understandable that she did not want it any longer. It was pain.

I run into so many people, men especially, who are very seriously lonely; I wish it weren't so. For some folks, that's just the way they are. It's one of life's realities. Not something that I can alter.

 
I'm glad my Dr. was this graphic it changed my mind about a DNR. I thought it was a PTP

(pull the plug). Ed has the power to make all medical decisions for me but if my mother is still alive (and sane) if something like this happens to me, her religiosity would compel her to fight him over my wishes not to live as a rutabaga.

 
DNR does not supersede a living will and does not mean

treatment cannot be ordered by the person who has the health care power of attorney. A living will does NOT have a DNR (not that anyone here has said it did) which I thought it did.
We have recently moved to a retirement community and had all the living wills and healthcare power of attorney in place--and then they asked about the DNR. They said many people assume it is in the POAs but it is not and clarified that it did NOT mean "withhold treatment". We have ours in our kitchen pantry on the door. Whoever said keep it near is correct--if the EMTs don't have it they are required to resuscitate.

 
Very saddened to read this. Meryl was so kind and helpful, I will miss her.Thanks to all for being

such a caring group. It's nice to visit here.
And thanks for all of the valuable advice on this subject.
It will definitely do Meryl justice if we take some of this advice and implement it in our own lives as a tribute.

 
Also, at least here in Texas, you have to have a different "out of hospital" DNR

For EMTs, etc. Regular DNR is only for in hospital.

Please know that a DNR does not mean you cannot receive treatment, and especially comfort treatment. It means they will not perform CPR or resuscitate you

 
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